Week 1 down, 11 to go!

Okay, I just completed my first week of Chemo.  Side effects, minimal to none.  I have had a low grade headache on and off.  My most significant side effect, and I don’t even know if this is the drugs or just me with these over 100 degree days we’ve been having, but when I stand up for a period of time, I begin to sweat profusely.  It’s like someone is holding a water hose over my head and the sweat just keeps rolling.  Now, that might have thrown my electrolytes off a bit, so I went and got some vitamin water.  My daughter introduced me to coconut water, which seems to be more natural and have more electrolytes in it.  It’s not as tasty, but it’s natural, so I’ll go with that.  Why does natural have to be so much more expensive???  No chemical, no additives, no coloring, yet more expensive.  Duh!!!  Something is wrong with that picture.  Anyway, I did notice that I slept a lot over the weekend. I might just be tired, but it was almost as if a magnet was pulling me to the bed.  I went and got some beets to add to my carrot juice, and I’m looking into foods that build blood.  I’m really trying to incorporate a better eating regiment into my daily life and supplements that help lesson the side effects of chemo.  So far, so good.  I am eating a mostly vegan diet.  I won’t say, I’m 100% but I am pretty close.  Now, to include more raw vegan is my goal.  I am also taking tumeric, a blend of acai, noni, mangosteen, goji, etc. juice, wheat grass, and reishi mushrooms (capsules).  I am slightly constipated, but not badly, considering, they told me to get ready for diarrhea.    They said, I would have a super sensitivity to cold, that I wouldn’t be able to go into the freezer or even refrigerator without gloves.  I haven’t tried the freezer, but I go in and out of the refrigerator daily with no problems.  Overall, I feel fine, no worse or better than normal.  Although, once again, my arthritis, is doing so much better.  I’m praying daily to God, for as few side effects as possible.  He is honoring my prayers.  I am trying to get past the guilt of sins committed and try to do what is right in His sight.  I do love God.  People keep saying this is going to be my testimony.  If that’s so, okay, but right now, it’s just getting to the other side of this thing. The battle is already won in Jesus name.  Now, hopefully, I can rebuild whatever damage was done by the drugs over the next week before treatment starts again.  Every other week, for 6 months.  Praise God, I can do this! In Jesus Name, Amen!

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Letting Down the Walls!

Many people don’t know this, but I’m a big baby.  I cry at the drop of a pin.  I put on this brave persona that often make people think that I am stronger than I probably am.  I guess many disappointments throughout life has caused me to “keep people at bay.”  This may be good in certain circumstances, but not with my own children.  Since their father died, I felt as if I always had to be the strong one, the one they could depend on.  I had to swallow my emotions and “buck up” so to say.  Today when I asked my daughter to pray with me before my first chemo treatment, I began to cry, and I apologized and she even said, “Don’t apologize, it makes you more human.”  If nothing else, this time of sickness, has allowed me to appreciate relationships more.  I am so independent, it stinks.  I go to surgery, by myself, today I’m going to chemo, by myself.  We must have support systems.  It’s not like I haven’t had offers from people to come with me, it’s that I don’t allow myself to feel worthy enough to bother someone from their daily routines.  This has got to stop.

Yesterday, was one of the most painful days of my life, and I’m talking physically.  I had the port put in for chemo.  Once again, there was the weight issue.  Surgeries are so much harder when you’re overweight.  They said, I even had the doctor sweating.  I have never felt such pain, I wish they would’ve knocked me the heck out!  They draped a cloth over my face so I couldn’t see.  When they took the cloth away, after surgery, they said, “Have you been under there crying?”   ” You should have told him you were hurting.”  My reply was, “So, what was he going to say, and….”  The port had to be put in.  Now I’m walking around feeling like Iron Man with this port in my chest, or near it.  I just want this to be over with and me looking back at it, not going through it.

Last night, I just couldn’t stop crying.  I guess that’s a good thing since I really haven’t cried since they told me the diagnosis.  But now, I must get past the crying, and onto the healing.  I went out last night with a friend that I have no idea why he’s still calling on me, but I’m glad I did, though I was about to cancel.  I had a good time and it took my mind off my crying.  I think I’m in a state of , I don’t know, condemnation.  I feel that because I was having sex, that God allowed this sickness but I know that’s not true.  satan doesn’t want me to heal and recover, so he keeps planting seeds of doubt in my mind.  I know God is my redeemer, healer, Father, counselor, keeper, Shepard, provider, and all I need.  satan you’re a liar as usual.  kill steal and destroy.  But God……  He keeps proving Himself faithful to me.  I just feel badly that I let Him down by not  keeping my legs closed.  I have decisions to make.  But for now, I’m off to chemo!!!  Yeah!!!  I’ll let you know how this works out.

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Trusting God

About 22 years ago, God started dealing with me about my trusting Him.  Everywhere I would go, I would either see or hear, proverbs 3:4-5.  Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart.  I remember saying, I do trust you Lord!  Then when a truck rolled right in front of me with the scripture printed on the side, I was like, what’s up, Lord, how am I not trusting You.  Sometimes you just need to be careful about the questions you ask.  These last 22 years have been a lesson in trust in so many ways.  I would love to share all I have had to trust for, but I’d be writing all day.  I will just talk about my latest bout.  Last month, I was diagnosed with colon cancer.  I was told, after surgery to remove part of my colon, that it was also found in my lymph nodes, which meant that the cancer had learned how to reproduce itself in my body.  This means next week, I start chemo.  Now, 2 weeks ago, I had a test done, a PET scan, in which radio-active sugar water was shot into my body to show a more clear picture of if the cancer had spread to any other organs.  My mind, my mind.  The attack always goes straight to my head.  My mind began to fear.  That ‘s the only word for it.  What ifs….. On top of the what ifs, I was thinking about all the sins I have committed, not just recently, but in my life and why I am so unworthy.  But God…… My daddy God, sent people to encourage me, brought me books, I listened to ministers talk, and I began to rebuke the spirit of fear that had tried so desperately to attached itself to me.  You see, every time I thought I was going to get a positive report, a negative one would come.  1.  We’re going to do a biopsy on this spec we found in your colon. The biopsy comes back positive.  2.  We’re going to remove this portion of your colon and that should take care of the problem.  We found cancer in the lymph nodes.  Now, it was we’re going to make sure it hasn’t spread.  I just wanted to know my battle.  It seemed as if it was getting more and more intense.  But as I heard T.D. Jakes say last week, God has already equipped me with everything I need to fight my giants.  I just have to take hold of what I know, and what I know is, that GOD is bigger, and stronger, than anything that comes against me or HIS word.  When they told me the cancer has not spread though, it felt as if I had just been released from prison and declared not guilty.  My name expunged off satan’s list of attacks.  So here I am, 22 years later, still learning to trust God, in all things.  I believe it’s a life long lesson, because to me, that’s the main purpose of satan, to get us to not trust God.  To make things look so bleak, that we give up.  Kill, steal and destroy.  Thank You God for being in my life, and giving me Your son Jesus in whom I have life and that more abundantly.

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I’ve been reflecting on my life.  First of all, let me say, I am my worst critic. I beat myself up way more than God every would.  I think this is a plot of satan also.  It may keep me from the many blessings God has for me because I won’t forgive myself, and God already has.  Sometimes, I have an easier time forgiving others before I forgive myself.  I guess I think, I should’ve known better.  I know maybe, I was pressing my luck to see how much I could get away with.  I don’t know what it is.  I know God knows my heart better than I do.  I’m asking Him to reveal it to me because, I’m tired of doing the same stupid things over and over.  I know the results, I don’t expect different ones, it’s just ludicrous to keep repeating the same sins.  I guess this blog is part of my internal reflection of the why?  I love God.  I cannot imagine life without Him.  I can’t remember a time in my life that He was not present.  As a little child, maybe 2 or 3 years old,  in a Catholic church, where only Latin was spoken, I remember looking at the pictures on the wall during the service and feeling a connections.  I used to talk to God as a child, because I was in trouble on punishment a lot, and as an only child, had no one else to talk to.   I would pray for my family, protection, and blessings, daily.  I know I drove the priest crazy with my questions.  They would finally say, “just take it by faith.”  Now, here I am some 50 years later, still struggling in my life. 

What’s the opportunity?  Since that is the title of this section.  The opportunity is to one more time, try to get things right.  I said in my last blog that I was recently diagnosed with cancer.  It’s like a wake up call, a time for examining what am I not doing or doing that is good bad or indifferent in my life.  I know one thing, I have had a good life.  I’m not complaining about what I have been given, I’m concerned about what I have given back.  Nothing is perfect in this world.  I have to wait for the next world for perfection to occur.    I think, God, You have given me this awesome opportunity to continue to do Your will, and work.  Some people never get that opportunity.  They lose their lives suddenly, without warning.  We all know, that we have to die one day.  I don’t know of any who have escaped that fate.  But how many of us really consider, how we spend our days?  Why were we even placed here on this planet?  What is our purpose and have we even attempted to fulfill it?  I am still here for a reason.  I still have work to do.  I thank God everyday for this opportunity.  I ask Him now, what is it He would have me do today.  Who would He want me to touch.  He’ll lead the people in your path.  How will I respond to them?  It’s not always easy.  Thank you Jesus, for, by Your stripes I am healed, delivered, set free from bondage.  I’m yours, to do with as You please.  My life is not my own, but Yours.  In Jesus name, Amen.

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First of all, I think it’s proper to give a little background knowledge before I start my blog.  I am 53 years young.  I have 2 wonderful grown young adults that I had the privilege of raising.  I thank God for them and believe God will blast them with His never ending, overpowering love.  I want them to see as I have seen the greatness of His glory.  I also have 2 grandchildren who are the joy of my life.  Rambunctious, yes, but also, intelligent, beautiful and great.  God has truly blessed me with a wonderful family and life.  Some may not think this to be true.  As with all, I have had some tragedies in my life also.  I have buried 2 husbands.  Both had cancer.  The first was in remission for 7 years, and then got killed in a car accident.  The second, died of lung cancer 2 years ago in 2010.  But the first gave me my wonderful children, and the 2nd, oh my God, was the deepest and most intimate expression of love God could ever give anyone.  I know women who are still waiting for a love of this type, and I actually had the opportunity to experience it.  Wow!

I am an elementary school teacher.  After my first husband died, I was left with 2 small children to raise, and I started searching for careers that would allow me to still spend as much time with them as I could, but bring in an income that would make life a little more comfortable.  I went back to school for 5 years, to obtain a teaching certificate. It was not easy, but worth every minute.  Contrary to my own mouth, I love it so much.  It’s draining, frustrating, and often takes up more time than I would like, but the joy, that I feel as I see minds open up and start to explore the possibilities is overwhelming.  I teach in an inner city school.  So, the kids are not always on target, academically, behaviorally or socially, but they are ripe for the picking.  That means, they really want to learn, and more than that, they want someone to really care about them, and I do.

I could go on and on about how much God has blessed me in my life.  I’ll probably mention things throughout this blog that attest to that.  But my latest challenge is why I started this blog and has me reflecting.  A little over a month ago, I was diagnosed with colon cancer.  BAM! in my face.  Shook me to my core to hear it.  I started seeing blood in my stool, and watched for the consistency of it, and then asked for a colonopscopy.  Thank God that I did.  I had a sigmoidetomy, removal of part of my colon, and the analysis was that it had spread to my lymph nodes. BAM! in my face.  Now, I am faced with chemotherapy, which will take the chance of it reoccurring from 65-70% to about 35%, stage 3 to stage 2.  BAM! in my face.  You know, I am a Christian, a believer, yet, this news has rocked my foundation.  I know God loves me, although I know I have not always been lovable.  I know I have done things deliberately that have been against HIS will for my life.  Yes, I have repented, returned to HIM, but damage has been done.  I know He forgave me, loves me.  I know that by HIS stripes, I AM healed. I just am not looking forward to what lies ahead.  I have also started eating better.  I am now a vegan.  Mostly raw about 85%.  The combination of things, trust in God, meds, change in diet will hopefully help me through this period.  Hey, I actually lost 29 pounds so far, that’s from Memorial Day to the 4th of July.  That’s better than I’ve done in 5-6 years.  I believe I am victorious in this fight.  Victory is mine through the Blood of Jesus.  I just sometimes get this sick feeling in my gut, like wow, I’m going to have to fight.  You know like when someone wants to fight you in school, and you have a little fear of the outcome.  I know the outcome, I win.  I told satan, “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain”  Philippians 1:21.  I’m sold out.  I’m doing this thing Gods way.  satan gets no joy or victory. and, I’m grabbing as many for the kingdom as I can along my journey.  But that’s all for now.  I have to navigate through this site to see what else is here.  Take care!

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